I Asked God to Help Me Understand…This Is Not What I Expected!

I asked God to help me understand the hearts being handed to me, this is not what I expected.  It is for both myself and all who have breath in this world in which we live.

Exert from ‘Fear Of Intimacy’, by Robert W. Firestone and Joyce Catlett.

“When children are rejected or hurt, they tend to imagine themselves as one with the destructive parent to somehow protect against the hurt and pain and rejection by that parent.  Children defend this primary fantasy of fusion but, in so doing, must also incorporate the parental rejecting attitudes; that is, they have to maintain the self-concept that fits in with early situations.  Later on, they often resist information about themselves and their worth that contrast with the way they tended to see themselves, based on the parental rejection.”

“The voice, the system of negative thoughts, feelings, and attitudes about oneself and others, is inextricably tied to the internalized idealized image of one’s parents (Firestone, 1985).”

“The child cannot afford to find fault with the parent and see the parent as bad, because then his situation is truly hopeless.  To defend against that pain and that despair, the child sees himself as bad and idealizes the parent.  He wonders if by performing, if by trying to please, or by doing the right thing, he can get the parents to love him.  If he took the other position and  saw the parent as at fault, his situation would appear more precarious.  That is why this defense works.

The fallacy is that the parent, to varying degrees, are unable to love because of their own problems, because of their own inadequacies, so the child can’t get what he needs from them – it’s impossible.  He goes through life trying, in symbolic form, to get that love and goes through those maneuvers that he thinks will please, or will get the parents to love him.  Actually, the specific behaviors that may have worked in the family situation usually have adverse effects on personal relationships later on.  The child becomes somewhat paranoid in relation to other people and avoid closeness.  His actions don’t make sense and he appears self-destructive because he avoids good relationships and clings to bad ones.  He develops patterns with people he selects in life which are repetitive of the past and frankly damaging, and he seems trapped in those patterns.”

“The self-parenting process represents a desperate attempt on the child’s part to deny his or her true state of aloneness, helplessness, and vulnerability.  It is manifested internally in fantasy as well as externally through the use of objects and people in one’s environment.  The result is a pseudoindependent posture of self-sufficiency – an illusion that one has the ability to sustain oneself without the need for others (Firestone, 1984).”

We all struggle with a certain level of this self-protection.  What make some seem stronger at breaking free than others is their willingness to face the pain, see the reality of the root of that pain, forgive, and then learn that it’s ok to set healthy boundaries.  These boundaries will only create a safer, healthier environment for them and their future children.  The ones willing to wrestle for this freedom will then be better able to say I’m sorry, ask for forgiveness, and be the protector for their children that they longed for.  Even better, they will find true love does exist.

If we do not take steps to get free from what Firestone calls the “voice”, (the internal self-protection we learn early on), then we allow the unhealthy patterns to continue in my future generations.  To turn a blind eye, is to rob my children of a better life of living in truth.

We read scripture on those who sowed the talents handed them and those who did not.  It would be very narrow minded to only view this as a money issue.  Some things in life hold a far greater value than the dollar that slips so easily through our hands.  It’s time we stop tossing our children to the whims of our society and we do right by them.  They need a hero.  Mom and dad, aunts and uncles, brothers, sisters, and cousins, that’s you!  (For the Parable of The Talents, Matt. 25:14-30)

To be healthy and whole adults, we must stop living a fantasy life and under the deceptive sway of illusion.  Reality is not so bad when freedom is found in it.  The initial step forward may be painful, but developing strong wings to fly over the next mountain is worth every struggle.

First you must decide YOU are worth it!


All this from the first 38 pages…lol!


  1. 11/28/2010 at 11:50

    Interesting post. I know Robert Firestone’s work and was pleased to see these excerpts

    • 11/29/2010 at 11:50

      Thanks Jina, This is my first introduction to R. Firestone. I love how deeply eye opening he is, yet easy to read. I appreciate you taking the time to let me know your thoughts.

  2. josephine said,

    10/20/2011 at 11:50

    God is funny at times, it’s as if he set us up! LOL

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