Holding Loosely To Grab Hold

It’s Easter morning.  I’ve never felt more alone and misplaced as I do today.  I’m sitting in my car trying to figure out where to attend church this morning.  The tossup to my decision, is between my home church that I dearly love, or the place that God has had me going for the past few months.

God has been extremely silent in the area of where He wants me.  I cry to Him with tears, along with deep sighs that are filled with pains I cannot put to words; or even have tears for.

I Don’t Belong Anywhere

I’d go to the church God led me to in the beginning of this year, but now that the sermon series is over that I was going for, I don’t feel or hear God leading me to grow roots or long-term attachments.  At least not yet?  Every time I go back to the church I’ve made home since Warren’s death, over five years ago, I cannot stop crying and I feel stuck.  Why?  I love everyone there and my pastor is so much a father to me, as much as he is a Shepard.  I have great respect for him.  But God remains silent.


I have so many amazing friends.  There are people who I sincerely love that I can call on, but as much as I value each one of them, I cannot help but want my own “family” now.  Everything feels borrowed.  I get the super spiritual side to that word “borrowed.”  Every good gift is on loan from heaven, but humanly speaking, Warren was mine the day we said “I Do” at an altar before God.  He became my life partner – till death did us part.  Now, in a crowed room I am hollow.


I am ever so grateful for the overwhelming blessing God has given me.  I can run down a long list of the many things God has done for me and has blessed me with.  Manna from heaven continues to rain down, so this is not meant to be a complaint letter.  It is written to show you that I am as human as the next person.  Taking every thought captive is often a journey.  We cannot gain proper perspective and captivate what’s going on in our thoughts and emotions until we acknowledge they exist.

I’m Not Alone, But I Am.

This is crazy.  I need to make a decision.  Do I go in?  I’m so tired of crying….

It’s Easter.  This is a time to reflect on Jesus and all He went through for me to be able to freely approach God with all my human stuff.  I keep crying to God and asking for His forgiveness for me being so focused on myself.  It’s not about me!  All my loneliness cannot begin to compare to the absolute aloneness Jesus experienced.  All his friends fell asleep when He asked them to pray with Him in the garden moments before He was arrested.  After all they walked through together, Peter denied Him, and then His own Father remained silent as He was dying on the cross.  Of course I feel guilty that my mind will not stay focused of Jesus all day on Easter.

But Jesus’ death is all about us.  Why else would He go through all that sickening agony?  He understands our every emotion, pain, trial, longing, and heartache.  Yes!  Lift His Name High!  He suffered so I can have a place to run to with all my concerns.  He was nailed to that cross because I cannot save Myself from all my human stuff.   He not only suffered and died, Jesus rose again victorious.  He defeated death.  He alone took back everything the enemy has stolen.  He is the King of all others kings.  But this King of all others, humbled Himself and walked in my shoes, so I can understand…that He understands.

…I went in and I cried, but Jesus knows.

“Surely He has borne our griefs
And carried our sorrows”*

I don’t know what God is up to.  I do know, He has me holding very loosely to everything but Him.  He may be silent in this season but He is at work.  Until the season changes, I am at peace because He welcomes my surrendered tears.  He understands and I trust Him.

His silence is not His absence!


2011, Keeping It Real!

I’m Holding Loosely So I can Grab Hold…!  I am ready for change!

* scripture reference, Isaiah 53:4


  1. mnickles7 said,

    04/25/2011 at 11:50

    He will speak to you, when He’s ready & you will have peace. Don’t have sorrow, but rejoice in what God has planned for you! I know, “fleshing out” is SO easy to do, but try to stay strong. When you can’t be, you have friends to catch you & lift you up or hold you, if need be. Love you & praying for you!

    • 04/26/2011 at 11:50

      Michelle, you and your family have been great friends who have lifted me up over these past few months. I love and appreciate you all!

  2. Vanessa said,

    04/25/2011 at 11:50

    To say you are not alone would simply be too… simple. I’ll just say, you are not the only one who feels this way, in absolutely EVERY way you just expressed. I believe that in these seasons of feeling misplaced and alone, its just part of the process of God getting us where He wants us to be. The feelings are just symptoms of change. We either cry looking back or smile as we look forward, KNOWING what is ahead is good because that’s just how God works!

    I’m choosing to smile. The past is over. I’m moving forward!

    • 04/26/2011 at 11:50

      I agree 100% Vanessa! Without question, I know God is working on me. He’s simply answering prayers I’ve prayed. Sometimes I cry looking back and cry looking forward, but I also smile in both directions. 🙂

  3. Bryan Thomas said,

    04/26/2011 at 11:50

    Thanks for your transparency, Shannan. You are right – He is all we need. The silence is still painful for our souls. After a few years of it, I wrote an article called, “In The Sanctuary of Silence is The Healing” Here is the link: http://www.noomizo.com/index.php/in-the-sanctuary-of-silence-is-the-healing/ I’ll also post it again on my facebook wall. When one of the members of His Body hurts, we all do, and Jesus is in the middle of it all. I know that God is doing some amazing things in you and through you … but it still is a lonely painful place at times … where only He can fill up our hearts.

    • 04/26/2011 at 11:50

      Bryan, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! And AMEN! You said in your writing what my mind has been trying to capture. I want to express my real human emotions so others can find a safe place to remove their own socially placed masks, but I also want all to know that I am full of hope and am falling more and more in love with Jesus while in this valley. The arms that caught me as I fell to my knees on our bus in Jan. 2006, still hold me today. This season is extremely exhausting and physically painful, but He is good and full of grace. Thank you for the hope you offer in your words, and the opportunity you are giving me to share beyond the borders of WordPress. I’ve been working on that today 😉

  4. 04/26/2011 at 11:50

    […] was sent a private message after my last post, “Holding Loosely To Grab Hold” and I wanted to share a portion of the letter with […]

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