God Is In The Way


I went for a long run before church yesterday morning.  I came to the top of a very steep hill just in time to see the sun rise, it was beautiful.  My mind was filled with gratitude for a new day, but I was still weighted with grief.  How long is this valley of the shadow of death?

The day my husband died brought many other losses that have taken time to fully recognize and process.  I could not begin to understand their magnitude until I stood in the middle of them and felt their weight.  I lost my handy man, my mechanic, my jar opener, my computer technician, my business partner, and the father of our future children – just to name a few.  But what I miss most is having the one person in the world that I could trust with my heart.  I miss the one I talked with at night when the world was finally still.  I miss the simple things in life many of us take for granted.  Coming home from church to an empty house where I take care of only me seems pointless.  I love my little dog, but the isolated walks without my protector doesn’t bring the same level of joy that use to come with a leisurely stroll – now it’s an empty hand.

There’s another grief though that has been beating me up for years now.  I’m over 5 years in the journey of my new normal.  Everyday since Warren’s death I have been faced with the question, “What are you going to do now?”  This question literally started coming the day after his very sudden death.  I found myself thrown into a world of news interviews, legal battles, and acting as a counselor for others who had also lost him.  I felt a sense of responsibility to take care of all those who were trying to make some sense of this horrible tragedy.  My heart ached for Warren’s family, and I did not want to see people become bitter over the countless number of injustices that were (and still are) taking place.  I also wanted others to know that I was going to be okay…I was/am going to be okay, right?

I stood as two very long lines of people came through to pay their respects on the day before the funeral.  I stood for about 6 1/2 to 7 hours as people came through and expressed their sadness and concern, but also their certainty that I was going to be the next Beth Moore or Joyce Meyer.  I was going to excel and make Warren proud by keeping the Parker Trio going strong.  They were all well-meaning in their encouragements, and the compliments touched my heart.  With each expression of care, I knew without doubt that Warren and I were loved far more than we ever realized.  But here I am, years later, feeling the weight of their disappointment.

As I came over the hill yesterday while on my run, I watched the sun’s rays begin to touch the new blanket of green now on the trees, and I broke into tears.  I have tried to go down so many roads that people have told me were my destiny, but at every turn I find God standing in the way.  With every door closed and all the ministry files burned, I am at a loss of what He wants me to do.  I am left feeling guilty for not being what everyone says I should be.  After the looks of pity come these words again, “You’re going to be great.  God’s really got a plan for you.”  If I’m “going to be…” these things, what am I now?

I began to run faster and God picked up His speed right alongside me.  He whispered, “Sometimes soldiers need their rest.  Trust me.”  He then painted an illustration in my mind of a military soldier who longs to be a part of his platoon again, but the doctor will not give his release to join in the battle yet.  The soldier struggles to gain understanding, but until the physician signs the release papers there is nothing he can do but wait.

He’s not forgotten.  He’s just called aside for a moment.

The truth is, I never wanted to be the next Beth Moore or Joyce Myer; they already exist.  I want to be where God wants me and I want to be who He’s created me to be.  I’m not against traveling and sharing my story and the lessons I’m learning along the way, but if God has other plans then that’s okay too.

God is in the way, but I don’t want it any other way.  He knows my every thought, my hearts desire, my coming and my going, and He will lead me if I let Him.

“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” – Matthew 6:33

Not yet, does not mean not ever.

~Shannan

2011, Keeping It Real!

I may be on desk duty now but I am no longer minimizing it’s importance.  Desk duty needs to be done just as much as physical combat.  I am valuable!

10 Comments

  1. Patrick said,

    05/09/2011 at 11:50

    That is so right Shannon, you will be best at being you and waiting on the Lord. You are great just as you are, you were created by the Master. What you do does not change how much God or the rest of us loves you. When the time is right, God will open the door to what He has been preparing for you, and you won’t believe how great it is going to fit you. Hugs to you.

    • 05/11/2011 at 11:50

      How Sweet Pat! I keep praying and asking God not to let me miss “it.” I think that’s a little silly to pray sometimes, because the truth is we can’t miss His way if we are searching for Him. That’s a promise. But still, I am human and have come to understand the value of the prayer, “…and lead me not into temptation…” Thank you for your reassuring words, your prayers, and continued support.

  2. Susan Bornowsky said,

    05/09/2011 at 11:50

    I praise God Shannon that you are starting to realize you are not responsible for, nor accountable to be, healing the hurts of the others who also lost Warren. You are his wife……the one to whom he cleaved and for whom he left “his father’s household”. Perhaps you do not need to be strong for anyone else any more, but instead lean on God for your own healing. There is a time to withdraw to the “wilderness”, away from self imposed obligations, and regain your strength before you will see new direction. Maybe this is the time? Prayers for you………

    • 05/11/2011 at 11:50

      I appreciate your words Susan. They are a beautiful reminder to me. I love being able to be a strength for others, but I have to remember that even Jesus had to withdraw and refresh. This is a hard thing for me, but it is necessary. I thank God for His gift of time to do so. He has certainly placed a hedge around me. I’m doing my best to lean into Him…

  3. 05/10/2011 at 11:50

    Thank you for sharing your heart in such a beautiful way. While you may feel like you’re waiting for God to show you what to do, I see you working for Him every day. You help those of us who read your blog, you help your friends in any way you can, and you show God’s love to everyone you meet. You are already great, my friend. I’m so thankful that I’ve had this time with you when we’re both available. Of course God has more for you because He has a plan for each of us. I’m just glad that I have the honor of sharing this season with you.

    • 05/11/2011 at 11:50

      I feel the same way about you my friend! I’m so glad you heard my heart and took my offer of friendship up the day we first had lunch at Applebees. I offered my friendship and I got a greater friend in return. Thank you for walking so closely with me. You have been a shelter from some crazy people…LOL!

  4. Neal Krulik said,

    05/10/2011 at 11:50

    There is NOBODY like you 🙂

    • 05/11/2011 at 11:50

      Thanks Neal! I love that you are blind and deaf…lol! Just kidding! Thank You 🙂

  5. Shirley said,

    07/18/2011 at 11:50

    This is July 18,2011. * have been listening to a CD from Warren & Shannon Parker. It’s message has been a blessing to me. I have been a widow for 5 yrs. & 4 months. God has been faithful and gives rest and healing. I just read the information on Shannon tonight. Such a tragedy and yet you will meet again. God says He loves you and He wants you to know. He is also the calm in the center of our storm and we do mount up with wings as Eagles. All of these songs are on my CD. He is sufficient for you and will be a constant companion and source of strength for you. God bless you abundantly as you rest in him and then go forth in obedience to where He leads you. Thank you in christian Love. Shirley.

  6. Wendy. Burton said,

    10/15/2011 at 11:50

    Shannon, we are in the car tonight driving for A ministry
    Appointment tomorrow and the local ucb Canada station just played a Parker trio song. I quickly stumbled on my iPhone to see what you are up to and was so encouraged by your blog post. It is only the ondividual who. Can discern the paths god has of his choosing for life. I will continue to pray that your paths will become more clear and straight as proverbs promises us and ask his holy spirit to lead comfort and guide you These are not waisted days. Gods time table is often so very different and only really makes sense looking back. Thinking of you and praying for you tonight. Craig & Wendy burton. Hugs


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