I AM DISPOSABLE


I cry to God for those who have been through major loss.  I experienced the physical death of my husband after 9 1/2 years of marriage, but I find myself talking to God for those who’ve had to endure anything that brings deep sorrow.  My heart has become especially tender in prayer for those who’ve walked through the dark valley of divorce – a tragic form of death.  When I buried Warren, I wasn’t burying trust.  Thankfully, I have not had to face the pain of divorce, but I was recently rejected by one I thought cared for me.  It sent my heart into a tailspin I didn’t see coming.  That knife through the heart left me with breathless moments and unanswered questions.  What hurt the most was his apparent lack of care or concern, especially after experiencing such a strong connection.  What do you do with nothing more than a shrug of the shoulders?  My heart hurts for those who were married and filled with hopes and dreams, only to be left with rejection, a heart in anguish, and so much more than I can imagine.  I cannot fathom the depth that of sorrow.

The rejection I faced was nothing compared to broken marriage vows.  I did not commit my life to him.  We did not have the level of intimacy that comes with the bonds of matrimony.  I simply began to fall for him in a way that broke through a few walls.  I allowed myself to trust a portion of my heart to him.  Nevertheless, my recent letdown has caused me to pray on a much deeper level for those whom I know have had to grieve over broken promises.  I can only assume that their sadness is multiplied a thousand times more than the frustration I’ve felt.  I pray that God would heal their pain and restore their heart to a place it can trust again.

Through my recent heartbreak I was reminded of how, through childhood and most of my adult years, I closed off from anyone who wanted to get close to me.  My own grandmother had to corner me to give me a hug.  I wasn’t so much afraid of being hurt, I could handle my own pain, but I was afraid I would be a disappointment to anybody that got to know me.

I’ve had to face this ugly truth about myself again through a rejection that seemed to come overnight.  One day I am enough and accepted, then what appeared to be literally an overnight event, I became disposable.  It’s like the green light of safe to proceed suddenly turned red without warning.  There didn’t appear to be a yellow light of caution, though it’s possible I just missed it.  For someone like me, the worst part about this form of being “thrown away,” is when it’s done without any reasons given.  All that was offered was an emotionless shrug of the shoulders.  Silence is far worse than criticism.  Silence is not fixable.  It only leads to a dead-end, or keeps spinning you round and round like a merry-go-round that leads you nowhere.

What did I do with a shrug of shoulders and a blank look?  I asked a few questions, I listened, I waited in patience, and then after ample time I accepted the advice I would give my little girl if I had one.  Though letting go was difficult and it’s taken me time to regain my balance, I got off the merry-go-round.

“Just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.”  – Ephesians 1:4-6

I believe, for the first time in my 35 years, I am not disposable.  I am accepted!

I ask God for greater wisdom and understanding.  It is often given in the presence of deep feelings.  I am grateful to God for His protection and for allowing me the ability to feel deeply.  Feelings are often what He uses to draw me closer to Himself and stirs my heart to pray for others.

I’m sure I have a few more “merry-go-rounds” that I need to jump off of, but I’m learning as I go.  “I press on”…forward!

Have you ever experienced someone’s silent world?  How so?  Are you living in your own life of secrecy?  If so, why?

~Shannan

2011, Keeping It Real!

One reason I write “Keeping It Real” is because the things that are kept in silence are not fixable.  I want God to have His freedom to work out of me what is not Him.  I want to be pliable in his hands.

14 Comments

  1. Neal Krulik said,

    05/12/2011 at 11:50

    OH my goodness YES!!! When my fiance left me i was completely crushed!! No explanation…No warning…although I might have been blinded to them…but still…what seemed like the ultimate dream came down crashing…then like a domino, my custody case crashed, as did the team I coached……Like Job, one thing after another….but soooo much has been learned about faith, God’s promises, my failures, and its the darkest storms that lead to the greatest victories..Although im still waiting for them, God has his angels setting their trumpets to their mouths for the great party!…Psalm 20

    • 05/15/2011 at 11:50

      Neal, I can’t imagine the multiple roller-coasters you’ve been on over the last few years. My experience was not to the level of engagement by any stretch, I just allowed myself to step out and trust. I have no doubt the angels appointed to you are about to crack open that blessing filled pinata for you 🙂

      • Neal Krulik said,

        05/18/2011 at 11:50

        Great analogy!! Love it!! ….in the pain we learn about ourselves…what needs to be altered, adjusted, and plain slapped….but God is faithful!

        Thank you for your courage and being transparent… many will appreciate it and grow on in God!!

      • 05/27/2011 at 11:50

        Thank You Neal. Yeah, God knows how to deliver that slap…Ha! If I need it, I’d rather it comes from Him than anyone else. I do pray my sharing we make a positive eternal impact.

  2. Rob said,

    05/12/2011 at 11:50

    I could write chapters on this, but I will leave you one comment everyone who knows you agrees on. You are definitely, definitely, definitely, not disposable.

  3. mnickles7 said,

    05/12/2011 at 11:50

    Awesome heartfelt words. I hate that you’ve gone through more heartache & pain! God is listening, He’s there for you. Your Prince Charming just isn’t ready for you yet, but when he is, he will make all of the past hurts disappear! 🙂 Love ya girl!

    • 05/15/2011 at 11:50

      You’re Sweet! I’m grateful for everything God has sheltered me from, and trusting no more princes will turn into frogs…LOL!

  4. lisafriesen said,

    05/13/2011 at 11:50

    Hi Shannan,
    Recently I went through a time of someone hurting me so deeply as well. A supposed friend turned wicked and spoke lies about me that I could hardly comprehend….however God said “Lisa, don’t defend yourself I am your defender!”. Althought the silence hurts I choose to trust what my daddy in heaven says and believe. I will do life Gods way always regardless of how much my mind wants to just yell from the top of my lungs “hey! that’s not fair!”….I will choose to trust the Father that loves me more than anyone on this earth could ever love me! I am not dissposable because I am deeply loved and accepted 🙂 Love and blessings to you Shannan…I know your prince will come.

    • 05/16/2011 at 11:50

      Lisa, It is sad when others become so hurtful for selfish gain. We can be so self-centered and cause pain to those we love the most. Through each disappointment I face, I choose to search my own heart a little deeper to make sure I am not the one hurting someone else – instead of getting defensive. Then I move on to time spend with those who truly care.

      You my friend are certainly NOT disposable. You are a sweet treasure! Love & Miss You All!

  5. Frances Rivera said,

    05/13/2011 at 11:50

    Hey! I wanted to say that you should be proud of yourself for being open to love! Trust me I understand; rejection is rejection. No matter how old you are or what stage you are in your life, dealing with rejection is not always easy. I encourage you not to close your heart but allow God to continue working in you and be open to find Mr. Right all over again! You are an inspiration to me!!!! Thank you so much for being real through your blog. Blessings, Frances 🙂

    • 05/16/2011 at 11:50

      Thank You! God has brought me through many painful circumstances since childhood. I have such deep gratitude for His healing touch in opening up this heart. I, with His help, refuse to lock my heart up again.

      It was an awesome surprise to see you the other week and hope we can connect again soon. I loved all you had to share. I think we could have written a great motivational book right there on the spot 🙂

  6. Bob Teeple said,

    05/15/2011 at 11:50

    Even though we live in a society where many things have become disposable, that doesn’t apply to people. Every person has value, and just because someone else may not recognize that value doesn’t make it any less real. If someone treats you as “disposable” then it is best to move on, because you can’t control their behavior. I hope everything works out for you.

    • 05/16/2011 at 11:50

      Your words are right and wise Bob! Time has passed and it’s all good!


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