I backed my car into my garage and watched the door slowly close to shelter me from the elements of the world. I shut the engine off and melted into a puddle of tears. I had just come from visiting with a friend who has been so vindictively beaten down by another person. They’ve suffered so much needless pain that they hit an emotional wall and are unable to trust any longer. I am witnessing this wall in many people. I have hope for the friend I was with tonight, but my heart deeply aches for those who can’t acknowledge that there’s even a wall there. Without facing our pain(s) head on and coming to the place to courageously plow through them, hope is dismal.
How do you break free from this fear when it’s been so burned in by an outside source with such cunning skill? Fixing my own faults is doable, but the actions of another person are out of my control.
As I think about my friend, I am suddenly aware of my own wounded heart. Despite my great effort to keep fear at bay, it continues to whisper it’s lies. Day in and day out, this conniving spirit craftily devises ways to cause my mind to doubt – my self-worth – my abilities – wondering if I will ever be enough.
Tonight my hope is attacked.
With Warren’s death being so tragic and sudden, on occasion I will stop in to talk with a counselor to make sure I am progressing forward in a healthy way. Even without a tragic life event, I believe it’s good to check ourselves and have others give feedback from their point of view. Too often we live inside our own mind where the enemy whispers lies. It is essential to talk out life’s stuff with a trusted other in order to not buy into the deception he plants.
The last talk we had was over the fact that my heart was hurting. I was frustrated over a sudden end to what I thought was a hope-filled relationship. One day everything seemed good and peaceful and the next day I ran face first into a brick wall. The wall was not one I built but one built by the other person.
I was not trying to seek out what was “wrong” with the other person, but sincerely wanted to know if I was wrong in my thinking. After all, I am new to this whole dating world. I wanted to know if I was expecting too much with the amount of time that had been invested in the relationship. I had listened to what my girlfriends were saying, and I had asked a few of my guy friends their opinions, but I wanted to hear from a dad’s perspective. I knew the person I was talking with would be honest with me and not hold back whatever truth pill I needed to swallow. The pill was much larger and harder to swallow than I anticipated.
He said, “Sadly, life has made you grow up, Shannan. Society does not make people grow up today, but life has made you grow up far beyond your years.” I was humbled and took this as a huge compliment, but I was frustrated at the same time by what it implied. I can change me, but I cannot fix another person. I can walk with someone, but only if that person chooses to walk. I felt that it was a reality check of the world we live in. It’s a world filled with wounded people stricken with fear, or they just simply don’t want to “grow up.” Just look around and you will see a sea of hurting souls. Some of the wounds are self-inflicted, but many are brought on by others. The pain caused by others sends us into a vicious cycle of self-destructive patterns. It’s hard not to be fearful when so much pain is caused in ways out of our control. Many of us must fight a mentality that we are owed something. We pick up the mindset of, I’ve been through this, so I’m entitled to have a little fun, max-out the credit card, eat the entire tub of extreme chocolate double fudge brownie ice cream, etc… One that I’ve witnessed and am also guilty of is when we throw ourselves into busyness to avoid feeling anything. This avoidance is extremely self-destructive, and one way or another, we will eventually have to face the hurt we run from. If we don’t deal with it, we will find ourselves hurting deeper, bitterness will grow, and then we will inflict undeserved pain on innocent others. It’s Newton’s law lived out in our emotions. “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”
Another illustration that was given, again taken as a huge compliment, was that of “The Good Bubble.” My counselor held up his hands to one side as he formed in the air the shape of a large bubble. He held his pose as if holding a giant balloon while stating, “You are in the good bubble. You are what is wanted, but the other person is not ready to give up their other life yet. So, they say and do just enough to keep you around without committing.” He motioned with his hands to his other side and continued his talk, “Over here we have the life they live. This is who they are, but they will run back to check on “The Good Bubble” to make sure it’s still there hanging on. Unfortunately, many never choose to let go of this other life.” After his vivid explanation he posed a strong question with this statement, “You just have to decide how long you will continue to dance.”
There are many ideas as to what “the other life” could be: sex, drugs, rock-n-roll, or simple child-likeness – unable to accept the reality of time and age. I’m not going to try to figure this other life out. The fact is, it exist and I’m no longer dancing. However, if I am “The Good Bubble,” then I can tell you what that life is to me.
I love God. I want to live my life to please Him. I want others to see Jesus before they see me. I do not want to fall for what the world says I am to be, but I long for God to guide my footsteps. I want to be the best friend I can be, the best daughter I can be, the best wife I can be. I want to be a woman pleasing to God. With all these things “I want,” I’m also extremely aware that I have a long way to go in my growth process, but I want to grow! I’ve found that when I stop fighting the growing-up process I have more fun and more freedom than when I try digging my claws into the past to fight for something that’s long been dead. I cannot get back what was stolen or what I’ve given up, but I can choose to live and not allow the spirit of fear to steal from me the potential blessing God has for me today. God restored to Job a double portion of what was taken from him – when he chose forgiveness and trust over fear and self-sabotage.
It’s scary to keep hoping against what seems absolutely hopeless, but we were created to have relationships.
God said, “It is not good for man to be alone,” and God Himself walked with man in the garden. – (Genesis 2:18, 3:8)
I have prayed that God will protect me from all the counterfeits the enemy tries to throw my way to distract me. As frustrated as I get because of feeling stuck, I believe He is sheltering me and I am thankful. I’ve stepped out and have tested many different things, but I’ve yet to know exactly where God is leading me. Despite hearing “No” time and time again, I cannot give up. If I surrender to the spirit of fear, hope is lost. Fear is a spirit, not an emotion; so if I let fear be my roadblock, then I am allowing the enemy to steal what God wants to give me. I guess it all comes down to the decision of what I believe about God or not.
What’s the remedy to this bubble in which I dwell? The only answer I have is to hold onto it with all God’s strength, because I am not giving up my “Good Bubble.” My bubble has a whole lot of room to grow, but it is not an option for a trade in. I don’t want whatever that “other life” is if it can’t fit in God’s bubble.
As I sat in my puddle of tears in the garage that night God asked me a very pointed question. “Would you give up your relationship with Me to not be lonely here in this life’s journey?” Without hesitation I replied, “NO!” “God, NO!” “Please don’t ever let me fall.” The thought of losing this closeness with Him I’ve come to know and understand made me sick inside. The “Good Bubble” only exists because He is good in me. There was something that broke inside of me that night. It was like I was bound up with chains and they fell off when I answered His question. I don’t believe God was telling me that He was going to keep me alone the rest of my life, but I believe I needed to hear my response. I’ve said many times that nothing is worth trading my relationship with God for, but to say it with feeling and absolute knowing from the very core of my being had yet to happen – until now. I’m certainly a work in progress, but thankfully there is progress.
Hope wins the battle!
By the way, I don’t believe God and I are in a bubble, I believe it’s the other way around. It’s the world that is bubbled in. God’s too big to contain. God can drive a wedge in Newton’s Law. I do not have to believe the lies of our society and I do not have to hurt others when I am hurting. If I trust God, fear cannot win.
If I am “The Bubble Girl”, my bubble is blessed 🙂 Which bubble are you living in?
~Shannan
2011, Keeping It Real!
“Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will accomplish for you today..” ~ Ex. 14:13a
There Is Always Hope With God!
Shannanparker's Blog 
Neal Krulik said,
06/27/2011 at 11:50
It is amazing who God is conforming you to be….so much of my life has changed but this is constant…I know that I know that I know that He knows every feeling I have inside….He wont ignore it….. In fact He has promised to restore that which was stolen from me (Jer 33)…took many months for me to see this…and believe it!
I know that I know that I know….that God is going to restore and bring amazing victory to your life 🙂 The pain will end…..I do know you are more than worthy.
shannanparker said,
06/27/2011 at 11:50
Oh, I am at such peace that God is at work. Thank you Neal! The same for you my friend. It may seem like God is not making sense, but He doesn’t do or allow anything without cause. We belong to Him, so we can rest and trust.
Clinton said,
06/27/2011 at 11:50
Hi Shannan, I and my wife Loraine believe the same as you do Shannan, IAM the bubble man,my wife is the bubble girl.
Our bubble is blessed, were the good bubble .
PLease pray for us, our son John does not accept Loraine as a mother, he calls her Loraine.
We been married 34 years, I used to be married to our son John mother, that was back in the 60s and the 70s until 1970.
I got married too young the first time, I was 21 years old, I had 11 good years , after that in 1967 when son John was born, then three years later, my first wife didn’t want to come hone any more, she always wanted to stay with her mon and dad all the time, then lat er we lost interest in each other, then later in 1977 this ended in a divorice.
God wanted me to move on , he wanted me to fine another wife, a christian wife, which I did , before we were married , we went together for about 6 months, then I asked her to marry me, she said yes, we were married in November 18,1978.
Our son John is married , and has one son name is Evan, he is 6 years old, they live too far away , they live in DesMoines,Iowa it takes 4 and half days to get there, I haven’t been ther for 4 years.
son John wife name is Kathy, there not the same religon, Kathy is a roman Catholic and John is a first United methodist which is not good, specially for their son Evan, when he gets old enough to now and understands what it is all about the difference in the two religons, pray that he well get saved and now what church to go too.
Our son John belongs to Facebook , problem is there has been too many bad people that belong to Facebook.
I used to belong to Facebook , not any more ,there a few people run you down, so I dropped out of Facebook.
Lately there were someone thats a member of Facebook got a hold of my email address and used my email address by mailing him about getting a date with single women, they were trying to get ous son interested in a date online with speed date which is wrong,, they made it look like i was writting this to him which I wasnt, now he is blaming me for all of this , he is very anger at me and very hateful at me, he doesn’t want me to call him on the phone, he said he won’t answer the his phone, that means he doesn’t want nothing to do with me.
Shannan I don’t have much of a son anymore like I use to, I feel hurt over this , he has hurt my feelings, he thinks I have abanddon him,
Please pray for me and my wife Loraine, tell your christian friends about this, and church members where you go to church at.
Thank you Shannan , were praying for you too Shannan ,God bless you
we love you.
Love,
Clinton & Loraine
shannanparker said,
06/28/2011 at 11:50
Again, I thank you and Loraine for your prayers, I am very sorry to hear about the situation with your son. I would encourage you to continue to love him by sending him short messages to tell him how much you love him and are proud of the man he’s become. Sons need to hear that their father is proud of them, without a “but” on the other end of the compliment. People hear our actions long before they hear our words, so you two pray that God will lead your son and his bride to the know Him on a deep personal level – if they don’t already. Sometimes things are not always what they appear to be. Just because Kathy was raised Roman Catholic does not mean she does not know God. I know many Catholic believers who read their Bible and seek after God in a personal way. Now, if she is just a “Catholic by birth” then pray that God will draw her into a personal relationship with Himself.
It’s also ok that John does not call Loraine “mom.” Especially if he has a relationship with his biologic mother. Loraine, it may be hard for you to have John call you by name but it is not a bad thing. If I marry a man who has children already I cannot expect them to call me mom, because the truth is, or will be, that I’m not their mother. I may take on the role of a mother figure in their life, but that fact will remain that they already have a mom. If we look at life realistically, we are all mothers and fathers to many, but I certainly do not expect the “many” to call me mom.
You two hang in there. I know it’s hard to watch someone we love making possible mistakes or hear them say things out of hurt. I learned how to ride a bike by falling off it a few times. Life can be the same way. And Yes, you are two of the “Good Bubbles.”
prit4099 said,
06/28/2011 at 11:50
Shannan, thanks for your continued stories (blogs). Everytime I read one I learn more about myself and my relationship with God. I have lived on both sides of the bubble…”Your are in the good bubble. You are what is wanted, but the other person is not ready to give up their other life yet. So, they say and do just enough to keep you around without committing.” Relationships are tough and finding the right one is a scary journey. I believe it will be obvious when two compatible “bubbles” come together, the stress of finding the right one will go away and the two “bubbles” will become a much larger and Godly sphere. Keep up the good work and thanks for writing from your heart, as it speaks to so many of us.
Brandon
shannanparker said,
06/29/2011 at 11:50
Amen Brandon! “…and the two “bubbles” will become a much larger and Godly sphere” If we (human beings) could grasp the value of this, it would be a much sweeter world. It seems we’re always competing for something. I appreciate the encouragement. I don’t take this platform (blog) lightly, and I pray God can somehow touch a heart as I grow and share with others. I’m honored that people want to read my simple thoughts.
mnickles7 said,
06/28/2011 at 11:50
I can relate to some of what you have shared and can understand the rest. The world is cruel and hard, without God….I would think that it would be unbearable. Have a great and blessed day!
shannanparker said,
06/29/2011 at 11:50
Yeah, the dating world SUCKS! Ha! Though, I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person.
mnickles7 said,
06/30/2011 at 11:50
VERY true!!! I know that God has the right person for you. You’ve either already met him or will, but he is being prepared for his future bride. Better to wait for God’s perfection than to rush it. I had taken my perfection for granted, but I have come to realize ALL the blesisngs that I have in the awesome man that God has given me! You will have the same!
Make Me Feel Good! « Shannanparker's Blog said,
05/29/2012 at 11:50
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