In the valley of sorrows.
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me.” – Psalm 23:4
It was three years ago today that Coady came through his surgery with success. That was after months of tests and wondering if I was going to lose him. It’s been three years since I had to make weekly trips, sometimes 2-3 times a week, to the doctor trying to find what was causing my liver enzymes to rise. The higher they rose the weaker I got. I felt like 100 lb. weights were strapped to my legs every time I tried to stand. It was a journey I had no choice but to walk, and it was a very lonely journey. I cried a lot.
I prayed, “God, if they find anything, either You will heal me or take me home. I don’t have any fight left in me.” Ten minutes later my phone rang. The ultrasound was all clear. Everything was healthy. I sat at my table and cried both tears of relief and tears of frustration. I prayed again, “I get it! I can do everything I know to do, everything right, but unless You give me breath I have no life. I’m at a loss here God. I don’t have a clue and neither do the doctors. Heal me or take me home, either way I win. You’re in control. I’m not.”
Then God!
Today, I celebrate three extra years with Coady and the fact that I could mow my own lawn today – strong! I celebrate that I can walk, that I’m slowly gaining strength to run again, and the fact that I can plan an outing without having to rest the entire day before. I celebrate the fact that I feel good!
Four years ago God told me I would have a season that I would walk alone. He wasn’t kidding! The aloneness has been gut-wrenching. I still feel like I’m in the valley of sorrows. Life is still very lonely, but I trust that God is using me where I am as He teaches me how to surrender. I’m clinging to the fact that He said this would be a season and not a permanent prison. In honesty, I’m afraid, but I’m holding onto hope that His healing touch is the open door to my new beginning.
“He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!” – Psalm 103:4-5
~Shannan
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